Not Cohesive Enough for a Title

Once again, I apologize folks. It's been too long of a blog hiatus for someone on unsubsidized funemployment. I must admit, I've been keeping fairly busy although that's really no excuse for not giving my fans what they want. I actually posted an entry last week but took it down because it was the blogging equivalent of telling a dinner party you have bird flu and an aversion to washing your hands. Then asking them how they enjoyed your special hand-rolled tamales and fresh squeezed lemonade. Awkward.

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On Sunday I was dealing with an extended late onset hangover from Friday night and managed to watch an hour and a half of VH1's Rock of Love, which is basically a show for people who just couldn't connect with Flavor of Love seasons one and two. And it was delightfully terrible; right up my alley. I don't know when the Emmy nominations come out but it'll probably sweep them. Hell, they might even throw in an honorary Oscar nomination for high art's sake.

Anyway, it stars a washed up Poison lead singer, Bret Michaels, who is looking for "love" from rock and roll groupies who weren't legal when his band was popular. You get the idea-it's not complicated but it's completely awesome.

Just as Dallas (who's most likely from Burbank) was exiting without giving Michaels his mandatory elimination smooch and I was THIS CLOSE to purchasing a DVR machine to tape the rest of the episodes, I began to feel very guilty. So guilty, in fact, that I remained motionless for an entire Scott Baio is 45 and Lame episode, which I sincerely regret. More on that when I can sit through an episode again.

Why was I paralyzed with guilt? Last week Angel Moroni accused me of having the television programming tastes of a 14 year old girl. It cut me deep. He's omnipotent, after all.

Well, I implore any of you to find a 14 year old girl who has the mental fortitude to sit through as many Real World episodes as I have whilst keeping up with the more current drama of Road Rules/Real World Challenge. It's not easy--sometimes they run the challenge shows with the same cast members as the current Real World season and it creates some sort of metaphysical paradox or whatever the nerd term is for "confusion". Or find me one that has the balls brass enough to watch even five minutes of Hogan Knows Best, which is a near impossibility. Dude's really protective of his untalented daughter. Has been for thirty episodes. Nobody under 18 has the attention span to deal with that.

Whatever, I am who I am. Deal with it. And why the hell does Moroni know so much about the TV interests of 14 year old girls?

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So this week is Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. Instead of running a shark related program 65 per cent of the time, they run shark programming 100 per cent of the time. Now, don't get me wrong. I love sharks. I'd probably own one if it wasn't so aquatic but I find Shark Week completely misses the boat (pun intended). Half the programs completely downplay the danger sharks pose to humans and preach shark tolerance and conservation, which is obviously great. The other half? Programs such as: Top Five Eaten Alive (by sharks); Deadly Stripes: Tiger Sharks (tiger sharks eating humans); Shark Bites: A Statistical Guarantee; If You Swim in or Drink Water, A Shark Will Eat You. Do they think people aren't watching Shark Week ALL the time? Do we need to kill them all or save them?

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After three years without a vehicle, I finally had to buckle down and purchase one. Minneapolis is truly great for biking but I need a set of wheels to impress the ladies. Unfortunately, I've been told the Subaru Outback I purchased is a car for lesbians. I thought the portrait of the Indigo Girls covering the hood would make me seem arty but apparently I was mistaken. It actually might be counterproductive.

Glad you stayed around until the end of this post?

Welcome Home Weekend

What a great weekend! I think I need to just start leaving and returning to places, just for the going away and coming home parties.

This Friday, my new roommate in Mormon heaven, Angel Moroni, organized a little barbecue and keg party to celebrate my return and DC Josh's prolonged stay. To be accurate, it was really a guacamole party. I have never seen that much guacamole in one central location in my life. It was all I could think about for a good 20 minutes....okay, I'm still a little hung up on it.

Anyway, the food was great, the people were fantastic and I would give the welcome back party a solid A+. The only downside of it was that I was completely betrayed by a few of my closest friends. I learned that Angel Moroni pulled the ol' mattress switcharoo on me and switched the mattress Bobby Digital lent me with one stuffed with bricks that Moroni had been sleeping on since college. It gives me terrible bed head. Additionally, I discovered that Bobby Digital has been keeping massive secrets from me and possible playing both sides of a contentious situation. I really can't disclose what they were but they were serious. Also, I think someone switched my dinner with alcohol but so far I have no leads on that one.

After the beer, wine, and whiskey were gone, a bunch of us went to a local watering hole to talk politics over tea. It was nice except apparently the bar tender kept asking if I had driven there. She probably wanted to know if I drive a Trans-Am but I only seem like I do. Common mistake.

Today Moroni, an anonymous gentleman and I went sailing on the St. Croix river. Now, we all know that on land I am an impressive specimen. But put me in a sail boat and I completely shut down. I had never been sailing before so I had absolutely no feel for the vessel. Plus it was windy so when one of the first big gusts hit the sails and Moroni shouted at me to "GET DOWN!!" as the boat tipped on its side and the boom swung over my head, I was immediately convinced that I'm more of a pontoon guy. Two hours of choppy water, high winds and crude will writing later and we were back on land. Tomorrow I will be shopping for new shorts.

With the welcome home weekend over, it's time for me to buckle down and get my life back in order. There's a lot on my agenda, people, so I need to be the epitome of organization. As such, I will be making and adhering to strict to do lists that will help guide me through the next few weeks. See below for tomorrow's list.

Stay tuned for a live blog session later this week, this time from from the local laundromat. It should be interesting...or not.

Live Blog No. 7

Sorry for the obvious lack of an ending post. I wasn't in too good of shape when we rolled in this morning. Read josh's blog for all the details on that.

Now that I've regrouped a bit, I feel elated. I can imagine how the crews of the lewis and clark expeditions must've felt after finally reaching the pacific ocean. While I did not have to fight through a crippling case of syphillis en route to my destination, I was certainly fatigued.

All in all, it was a decent road trip. Thanks to all who cared. I'll see you Minnesota folk soon enough. Right now I need to sleep.

live blog no. 6

We've it a bit of a wall. Outside of chicago we were caught in an absolute deluge in the middle of a rest area parking lot.

Now I'm sitting on a bench at the wisconsin dells. Its 230 AM and some kid is making pay phone calls while Nickelback plays on the gas station PA. God, I want to be in Minny right now.

Live Blog No. 5

Since we're in such close, dangerous proximity, I'm going to give josh credit for his comment as a blog post. (Bad sentence. I know. No surrender, no delete) So we'll call this one number five.

I'm back in the passenger seat as you can tell. We stopped for a bit to take the cat out and urge him to make use of his litter box. Much like me, he has severe pee anxiety and couldn't muster up the courage go. I'm sure wearing a harness doesn't help much. It doesn't for me, that's for sure. The cat and I have become closer through our idiosyncracies. Although right now he looks like the most pissed off cat I've ever seen so I may need to wait awhile before I ask him what he's up to this weekend.

I drove through two hours of rain storm with no lights on. As you well know, I do dangerous shit like this all the time (see jaywalking post) but it was an accident; I thought they were on and miscalculated.

We're close to josh's birthplace, Somewhere, Indiana.

Currently playing: clap your hands say yeah (self-titled)

More later. I will tuck you all in with a nice post around 1100 or so.

Live Blog Post No. 3

Good news! We've found josh's ipod. Actually, I found it in the first place I looked: under the crackers. Needless to say, we're both pretty happy right now. Unfortunately, none of my clothes were under the crackers.

That's all. We're on the Pennsylvania toll road right now and it's quite a road, let me tell you.

Road trip blog no. 2

I know this is really soon to be posting again but I realized we need a name for our rig. So far we've come up with "big trouble, little china" but I'm going to go ahead and open it up to the readers. Discuss.

I just found out Lindsey Lohan has checked out of rehab and has to wear a bracelet that monitors her alcohol intake. Just in time for her new movie release! Its funny how publicity just sort of FINDS her at the most opportune times.

Live Blogging the Road Trip

1105 WED: We've hit the road and are somewhere between DC and Minnesota. Obviously, I'm bad with directions which is why Josh is in charge of getting us out of the city. I will take the long stretch when we get to Utah.

On a scale of 1 to 10, the snack situation is about a 12. Steff made us some unbelievable muffins which we are carefully conserving.

A few minor setbacks, however. I forgot to pack a change of clothes yesterday and all of my things are shoved way in the back or our rig (that's trucker talk for vehicle). So I bought some sexy road trip shorts and a $1.25 t-shirt at the drug store. I plan on being topless for most of this trip so I'm not concerned too much about the outfit.

Second problem: josh forgot his ipod so we have about 12 hours less music than anticipated. I was in charge of the spoken word material so I hope he enjoys chuck klosterman books on tape and lots of NPR podcasts.

The cat's in good shape right now.

I will post more as the trip rolls on. If you have any questions, need advice, or just want to check in, give us a shout. have fun at work suckers.

Oh, one more thing: I'm doing this with a mobile device so there will be a lot of misspellings and incongruity. It's basically stream of consciousness.

Josh says hello.

Sentimental Beta

Well, the time has come. Goodbye Week 2007 has officially ended. The nights were late, the mornings were rough but I must say I'm extremely satisfied with the way I've been sent off to the great Midwest. Thanks to all my beloved enablers out there.

So the week culminated in a big going away blowout last night and, readers, it was one for the ages. Nothing says goodbye like way too many tequila shots, 80's hip-hop, and perhaps a little too much hugging. I like to hug it out when I get drunk sometimes. Deal with it.

Of course, moving away is always bittersweet. The real bummer is that toward the end of a tenure somewhere you tend to spend more, meaningful time with the friends you're leaving behind, which obviously makes it tougher to go. Except for an awkward work lunch where my office's receptionist told me she loved me (I said thanks) and my replacement became inappropriately physical after a pitcher of margaritas, it was one of the best weeks I can remember. I'm truly fortunate to know so many high quality people.

Tomorrow is my last day here before DC Josh, his cat, and I begin a 22 hour moving van road trip to my beloved Midwest. I would say the major X-factor here is going to be Josh's cat, who's basically a feline version of a hyperactive eight year old. He also often confuses me for prey and has a strange fascination with my feet. It's practically guaranteed to be an eventful trip so I'll be blogging live via blackberry during the day. God knows I'll have the time. Hopefully I'll have the wireless service.

Huey!

Two years ago, I wrote a little ditty about Huey Lewis and the News' video for "Stuck With You". I must've spent two hours searching for a picture of the absolutely ridiculous dress Huey's love interest wears. Although reminiscent of Hemingway or Faulkner, the post felt somewhat incomplete since I had referenced the video and the dress but had no visual proof that either existed. Mind you, this was all the way back in 2005 when YouTube was just a fledgling little operation so I didn't think to search for the video. But I'm smarter now and here it is in all its cheesy glory. I would say it probably fits into my Top Five Favorite Videos That Aren't Journey's "Separate Ways" (I make no distinction between cheesy and awesome; they're one in the same).

House Cleaning

So if anyone actually read my last post (besides Ms. McSlooterton who may be my mom trying to make me feel better), you would've noticed a broken link regarding my arch nemesis, Crazy Lady. That's because the link took you to my previous blog, which I have since deleted entirely. But don't worry folks, you can still read and re-read your favorite Slurry Beta classics of yesteryear on this blog. I've reposted and backdated them to 2005 so sit back, relax and enjoy my self-centered musings from a simpler time, when 50 Cent topped the charts and a fresh faced George W. Bush was only a few months into his second term. Oh, and I fixed the link back to my first and second encounters with Crazy Lady.