Never Judge A Book By Its Cover/ It Hurts To Be Called Names

The following is a conversation that took place between me and a woman on the metro last evening. It is 100% true.

Act I
A small fifty something woman dressed fairly nicely with a sun hat on sits down next to me.

Woman: You have beautiful hair.
Me (taking headphones out of my ear): What’s that?
Woman: You have beautiful hair.
Me: Thanks.
Woman: Are you a student?
Me: No, I’m a paralegal.
Woman: Oh, I’m a stocks and securities lawyer for McCovey and Hill downtown. What kind of law do you do?
Me: Military law.
Woman: Oh, we do some of that. My son is a member of the military. Where is your office?
Me: Eastern Market.
Woman: Oh, I used to live down there on A Street and 8th.
Me: Oh yeah, the office is on 8th at E.
Woman (annoyed): Well I live on A street.
Me: Okay.
Woman: That’s down by the naval barracks isn’t it?
Me: Yeah.
(Silence)

Act II
Woman: I locked my keys out of my house.
Me (chuckling): Well, I’m sure you’ll get back in somehow.
Woman (shocked/annoyed): It’s not funny.
Me: No, I’m sure you’ll get back into your house. It happens to us all.
Woman: You know, I don’t appreciate arrogant men.
Me: Okay, I think you misread my approach there. I’m sure you’ll get your keys back.
Woman: I live in Covington, Maryland! (Note: I don’t even think that place exists)
Me: Alright.
Woman (looking at lady in front of me): What are you looking at? (Back to me) Are you in law school?
Me: No.
Woman: I can tell.
(Silence)
Woman (all of a sudden nice again): Do you live in Eastern Market?
Me: Nope. I live in Shaw.
Woman: Oh, okay. What’s your name?
Me: Brian.
Woman: Mines Deliliah Jones (Note: or some shit).
(We shake hands)

Act III
Woman: You look familiar. Like someone I know.
Me: Well, I...
Woman: Don’t say everyone says that.
Me: Well, it’s true. Someone always tells me I look like someone they know.
Woman: Well, they don’t have hair like yours.
Me (smiling, but weirded out): That’s true.

Act IV
Woman: I’m about to stop off and ask you for something.
Me: Ummm....
Woman: I really have to use the bathroom.
Me (realizing this woman is really insane and wants to follow me home, use the bathroom, and murder me with a pitchfork): I don’t think I can help you out.
Woman (angry. Very angry): What did you just say?
Me: I mean, do you need help finding a bathroom or something?
Woman (yelling): Listen here, f****t (derogatory term for a gay person)! What are you trying to do, follow me into the women’s bathroom? F**king f****t! You probably like that. Do you use the women's bathroom a lot? F****t!
Me: What the...?
(I get up, exit the metro car, and look behind me to see a small woman following me and yelling explicatives while people stare at me)
Me: Get the f*ck away from me. Don’t follow me.

I take an alternate route home, constantly looking behind me for an small, irate woman in Sunday clothes.

~fin

COMMENTS

This offensive post is a prime example of the hardships and discrimination that schizophrenics like me are subject to everyday. Your callous and warped view is clearly evident in the blog. Come on, do you really think this ppor lady wanted to inflict harm upon you with a pitchfork? I'm sure all she wanted to do was make a friend to play dressup with and put pretty little pink ribons in your hair. Ironic that you can't even heed the advice offered in your own blog title. For shame, brian, for shame.

Posted by: Sam | August 30, 2005 04:01 PM

True Story

Act I. and 1/2

Last night at a byob Indian Restaurant in the East Village, Gray felt serious hankering to get rid of unpleasant pressure on bladder. So to relieve said bladder, Gray decided to make the arduous journey through the tiny dining room to loo. Gray is quite inebriated at this point. He decides to pee on the toliet seat after much deliberation in the unisex bathroom. After peeing on the said toliet, Gray decides to wash hands. Gray finished washing hands in said basin, and needs to dry hands. He then pulls on paper towel, and said paper towel roll falls into unflushed toilet. Gray has two options...Gray decides latter of two options, leaves the bathroom and blames problem on last customer...good choice gray...seeing as hot girl sitting next to gray was said customer, then other hot friend is next into bathroom, gray decides to drink more.

Posted by: Gray | August 30, 2005 04:37 PM

HA HA HA HA!! Big Bad Polar Beta (because like the blogger-formerly-known-as-slurry will tell you, polar bears are solitary and aggressive) is afraid of a little whacked out old lady he meets on the subway. What kind of a polar bear gets up and runs away from little old ladies? Why didn't you club her with your big ole paws or something? Bite her head off, do SOMETHING!

If only we could have had a recollection of this account if the Beta had been drunk, now that woulda been something. I'm positive it would have gotten much uglier!

Posted by: Josh | August 30, 2005 06:39 PM

An Apology to My Readers

Dear Readers:

Please accept my sincerest apologies for not writing anything for the past week and a half. I have been extremely busy playing Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004. Please stop flooding my inbox with emails.

thank you.

ps. I am currently working on a few things that will eventually make their way into this blog for your viewing pleasure. Here they are, in no particular order:

• The Great American Novel (title and subject pending)
• Brian Wilson Begets Carnie & Wendy, Michelle Philips Begets Chynna: Ruminations on Wilson Phillips
• United States Military Legal Codes for Dummies
• Vodka: What is it? How does it affect my body?
• Cursing With Grace
• Suing the Songwriter: A Discourse On Rock Bands That Tour Sans Lead Singers and Songwriters (Possible Alternative Title: Oh Sherry: The Steve Perry Experience)
• Extreme Sarcasm is a Double Edged Sword
• Proper Wedding Etiquette
• Night Moves: An Official Endorsement of Bob Seger

COMMENTS

Please hurry with "Vodka: What is it? How does it affect my body?" This is information I need to know soon as its effects have been debilitating for me on several occasions. Also, a guide to proper wedding etiquette could deem very useful in the near future.

Posted by: Erik | August 23, 2005 09:45 PM

Deem, did I write that, WTF.

Posted by: Erik | August 23, 2005 09:45 PM

Erik, I will do what I can.

The post will involve a scientific experiment. Perhaps you could help me set it up, say, September 17th.

Posted by: Brian | August 23, 2005 10:19 PM

I have never met a true blue Bob Seger fan.

To be a real fan of any band you have to be able to find some value in the music they released that was certifiably terrible. Every great band or solo artist goes through some dark days-it’s like a rite of passage. Bob Dylan had a gospel phase, Neil Young had a synthesizer phase, the Beatles wrote “Birthday” and Smash Mouth prematurely released a greatest hits album (although it is nice to finally get their singles AND soundtrack cuts on one convenient compact disc). Truly great fans can put mediocrity in perspective and continue to justify their loyalty. That said, the reason no true Bob Seger fans exist is because nobody (and I mean nobody) could ever defend a song like “Katmandu” and expect to maintain any shred of dignity. Plus, he wrote too many songs with the words “Rock and Roll” in the title. Seger’s not about subtlety.

However, I feel like Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band made some pretty great music. True, it’s Butt Rock, which by definition means it holds very little artistic merit. But Seger really knows how to tap into the very core of one’s sentimentality. Clearly, he has known this throughout his entire career because nearly every hit he had was about being young or reminiscing about something or another (card games, wind, old time rock and roll, life on the road, past loves, old cars, etc.).

My theory is that even people who claim to hate Bob Seger will play “Night Moves” on a bar juke box but will only do so after a minimum of four drinks. They might even sing a verse or two. Considering it takes me about 10 drinks to enjoy ‘Lil Jon and the Ying Yang Twins, that’s not too bad. But I still won’t sing along.

COMMENTS

On Saturday night at the VFW, I did a Night Moves that brought down the house. After returing to my table I was approached by a 47 year old woman who said she never new someone my age could appreciate Seger the way I obviously did because of my performance. She said, "How do you know Bob Seger?" I replied, "He's only the greatest songwriteer of a generation, duh." However, you couldn't catch me ever singing Katmandoo, certainly one of the worsst songs ever recorded. You hit some, you miss some.

Posted by: Erik | August 30, 2005 01:48 PM

Billboard 101

Every week or so the fine folks at Billboard provide the public with important information on the music industry. They publish the raw data they gather on album sales and compile it into "charts" which are very, very complex. Here's the link: http://www.billboard.com/bb/charts/hot100.jsp. But seriously, you'd be wasting your time trying to decipher the data unless you were a Ph.D. in mathematics.

Not only are the charts difficult to understand, most people haven't heard the singles or even know the artists. Unless you own a radio, use a computer, watch TV, read magazines or look at billboards you probably have no idea. Let's break down the top ten singles of the week:

• #1: Mariah Carey “We Belong Together”. Number one. Top of the heap. Mariah fucking Carey. You may remember Ms. Carey from the early ‘90s when she enjoyed brief regional popularity. This year, she has officially launched a comeback. I just hope there are enough young people out there who have enough disposable income to keep this comeback kid on the top. Good luck Mariah!
• #2: The Pussycat Dolls featuring Busta Rhymes "Don't Cha". Busta Rhymes is an actor whose talents have been featured in such films as “Narc” and “Finding Forrester” I guess with a name like Busta Rhymes, it’s only natural to take a stab at a music career. Special thanks to The Pussycat Dolls for featuring him.
• #3: Rihanna "Pon De Replay". Honestly, I haven’t heard this one yet as my radio only receives ten Top 40 stations. But I can tell you now that I like it! The word “Pon”, I surmise, is an attempt to combine the word “put” with the word “on” and the word “de” can surely be substituted with the word “the”. It’s that kind of creativity that gets you into the top 3.

***Let’s skip to the bottom three of the top ten. I really should be working right now anyway.

• #8: D.H.T "Listen to Your Heart". There's nothing like a remake to remind you of the hits of yesteryear. This cut deftly melds the words of Roxette with the sounds of Ace of Base. If you have a soul, you will love it.

• #9: Gwen Steffani "Holla Back Girl". I really think Gwen will be a star someday. Right now she’s probably not getting the radio play she deserves but this song is catchy enough to be very popular if it’s marketed just right. I recommend starting at the grade school level. Teach them how to spell “bananas” and play to Raffi’s old fan base. Take out the word “shit” though.

• #10: Ludacris featuring Bobby Valentino “Pimpin’ All Over the World”. Ludacris has always been known as a visionary in hip hop music who is constantly taking the genre to the next artistic level. Today, too many hip hop artists pimp domestically and that really puts a damper on what could be a very popular style of music in the future. If people like Ludacris play their cards right, they could end up selling many albums and maybe end up in the Billboard Top 3 Singles of the Week. If not, they could at least get into the top ten cell phone ring tones list, which is a great honor.

COMMENTS

TO my favorite Blogger, Slurry B. I can only stay mad at you for a little while, then i come rushing back to read. What you didn't know I was mad at you? well now you know, and i'm over it, can we be friends? I love the blog. Sardonic wit looks good on you. It fits nice around the waist. But maybe a little melancholy cardagin would be nice?

Posted by: Gray | August 19, 2005 02:44 PM

To my only reader

Dear Gray:

First off, you're my only reader and I appreciate that very much. However, I believe you misinterpreted my SDI post. I implied that there have been no actual strandings in the past ten years; not that Tom Hanks' Castaway was the only time in a decade the SDI scenario was employed. I fully realize Mr. Hanks was not really trapped on a deserted island with a volleyball. I was using "humor" to insinuate that he was. The post could have very well read, "To prove my point, I did a bit of independent research and found out that, in fact, there has been one deserted island stranding in the past ten years. It was Cedric the Entertainer, of all people." Get it?

Take a break from attempting to beat my records in Waveracer 64 and read the post carefully...dipshit.

***Angel Moroni: As of the end of summer 2003, I held ALL the records on Gray's Waveracer 64 video game. In a fit of rage, Grza erased them all because he tried for three months to match my simulated jet ski excellence and precision and couldn't. So, currently, Gray owns all the records only because he defaulted the memory. Thanks for your comment, Ms. Moroni.

It looks like I have two readers, which is fantastic even if one's a Mormon.

COMMENTS

Who currently holds those precious Waveracer records?

Posted by: Angel | August 9, 2005 03:48 PM

Why Brian, I didn't know pointless blogs were not supposed to be read. I usually forgo the ny times op-ed section for delicious blogs such as yours. And by the way, your blog would be much more interesting if it was about something cool, perhaps waveracer 64? But alas, I have no more time to be insulted on pointless blogs than the next guy, so i have moved on to a blog by a middle school teacher in Manhattan Kansas. It is much more interesting to read about how to get unruly 12 year olds to stop putting corn into their asses on the playground.

Posted by: Gray | August 9, 2005 07:31 PM

If you were stranded on a deserted island

Huey Lewis has a problem. He hates industry parties. You see, Huey is a simple man who prefers to express himself in song form and feels rather uncomfortable at large social gatherings. As documented in his music video for "Stuck With You", Mr. Lewis feels more comfortable cruising on his "yacht" (a ten foot row boat, obviously) with beautiful women in gaudy dresses. If you don't watch three hours of VH1 classic per day and haven't seen this video, I'll summarize: Huey Lewis and a woman in an AMAZING silver dress escape an overblown industry party in the Bahamas, fall off his small row boat, narrowly avoid a shark attack, become trapped on a deserted island, fall in love, and get rescued by a cruise ship. (Strangely, there's no lip syncing. Odd.) I'm not going to get into the believability of the video nor am I going to rant about the obvious lack of "The News" sightings, which is bullshit. I am going to focus on one of the most oft-used storytelling devices in human history: the stranded on a deserted island (SDI) scenario. Whether you're selling a product or providing allegorical social commentary, it works all the time. What's amazing to me (and probably me alone) is how accepting we are of the SDI scenario when, if you really think about it, rarely happens, if ever. To prove my point, I did a bit of independent research and found out that, in fact, there has been one deserted island stranding in the past ten years. It was Tom Hanks, of all people.

COMMENTS

I have very few problems w/ the analysis of the SDI scenario. The only thing I would object to is the cavalier approach which you used in describing the last ten years of SDI scenarios. A little thing called ABC's Lost. Also if i recall correctly, Cedric the Entertainer also did a commercial for Bud Light on a Deserted Island...Idiot

-Gray

Maiden Voyage

This is my first post to let you know that there will be more posts eventually. On a frequent basis, I plan to write down my opinions of politics, culture, society and music. Occasionally, I'll throw in a link to a silly website or put a picture of myself acting irreverent with my friends. Want to know what I think of intelligent design? Read my blog. Want to know what I thought about a particular movie? Read my blog. Want to know when I buy a new pair of pants? Read my blog. Curious about what I did last weekend? Read my blog. Want posts that are particularly well-written and conceived? Read Sean's blog. Want to learn about current events or political issues? Read the newspaper.

Anyway, stay tuned for a post tomorrow on the "trapped on a deserted island" storytelling gimmick. I mean, seriously, what's the deal with that? Right?