Slurry Beta

Infrequent ruminations on nothing.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Billboard 101

Every week or so the fine folks at Billboard provide the public with important information on the music industry. They publish the raw data they gather on album sales and compile it into "charts" which are very, very complex. Here's the link: But seriously, you'd be wasting your time trying to decipher the data unless you were a Ph.D. in mathematics.

Not only are the charts difficult to understand, most people haven't heard the singles or even know the artists. Unless you own a radio, use a computer, watch TV, read magazines or look at billboards you probably have no idea. Let's break down the top ten singles of the week:

  • #1: Mariah Carey “We Belong Together”. Number one. Top of the heap. Mariah fucking Carey. You may remember Ms. Carey from the early ‘90s when she enjoyed brief regional popularity. This year, she has officially launched a comeback. I just hope there are enough young people out there who have enough disposable income to keep this comeback kid on the top. Good luck Mariah!
  • #2: The Pussycat Dolls featuring Busta Rhymes "Don't Cha". Busta Rhymes is an actor whose talents have been featured in such films as “Narc” and “Finding Forrester” I guess with a name like Busta Rhymes, it’s only natural to take a stab at a music career. Special thanks to The Pussycat Dolls for featuring him.
  • #3: Rihanna "Pon De Replay". Honestly, I haven’t heard this one yet as my radio only receives ten Top 40 stations. But I can tell you now that I like it! The word “Pon”, I surmise, is an attempt to combine the word “put” with the word “on” and the word “de” can surely be substituted with the word “the”. It’s that kind of creativity that gets you into the top 3.

***Let’s skip to the bottom three of the top ten. I really should be working right now anyway.

  • #8: D.H.T "Listen to Your Heart". There's nothing like a remake to remind you of the hits of yesteryear. This cut deftly melds the words of Roxette with the sounds of Ace of Base. If you have a soul, you will love it.

  • #9: Gwen Steffani "Holla Back Girl". I really think Gwen will be a star someday. Right now she’s probably not getting the radio play she deserves but this song is catchy enough to be very popular if it’s marketed just right. I recommend starting at the grade school level. Teach them how to spell “bananas” and play to Raffi’s old fan base. Take out the word “shit” though.

  • #10: Ludacris featuring Bobby Valentino “Pimpin’ All Over the World”. Ludacris has always been known as a visionary in hip hop music who is constantly taking the genre to the next artistic level. Today, too many hip hop artists pimp domestically and that really puts a damper on what could be a very popular style of music in the future. If people like Ludacris play their cards right, they could end up selling many albums and maybe end up in the Billboard Top 3 Singles of the Week. If not, they could at least get into the top ten cell phone ring tones list, which is a great honor.

TO my favorite Blogger, Slurry B. I can only stay mad at you for a little while, then i come rushing back to read. What you didn't know I was mad at you? well now you know, and i'm over it, can we be friends? I love the blog. Sardonic wit looks good on you. It fits nice around the waist. But maybe a little melancholy cardagin would be nice?


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