Slurry Beta

Infrequent ruminations on nothing.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

A Missed Opportunity

Okay, I admit it. I’m a bit of a Renaissance Man. Not in the Danny DeVito sense but more in the Leonardo Da Vinci sense. Like most Renaissance Men, I have many seemingly unrelated interests that, taken together, make me a bit of an enigma. Need someone to operate your pontoon whilst drinking a cool beverage? Done. Have a question about the correlation between raising cattle and Bob Seger’s “Night Moves”? Ask me. Need a great idea for an invention that will revolutionize the world of commuter biking? I’ve got one. Having an air drumming contest? I’ll win it.

I know, it just doesn’t seem like one person could possibly have that many skillz and interests. Well, what if I told you that I recently found a way to combine my entrepreneurial prowess with my knowledge of Polygamy? The answer is that it would blow your mind. So if yours is a bit fragile, I would suggest that you stop reading immediately if you haven’t already.

First of all, I realize Polygamy has been a hot topic recently with Mindy writing a great entry last week. I assure you that I’m not trying to use her ideas nor is it my intent to steal her thunder, which is very loud. This actually all started last may when Warren Steed Jeffs, the self-proclaimed prophet, most likely self-middle name giver and leader of a fundamentalist Mormon sect that practices polygamy, was placed on the FBI’s most wanted list with a $100,000 reward for his capture. He was (surprise, surprise) wanted on several accounts related to, um, illegal stuff with minors and was on the run from the law, probably hopping from one crazy polygamist compound to another performing illegitimate marriages with reckless abandon. The real kicker here is that the guy looks like a scrawnier, less intimidating version of Bill Nye the Science Guy, a man I have thought I could physically overpower since I was 12. (See above) So naturally I was thinking to myself, “This could be the easiest $100,000 I’ll ever make.” I proposed the idea of hunting Jeffs down to my associates and they were on board, although some were reticent of the fact that Jeffs supposedly had a heavily armed entourage protecting him. Such minor setbacks are easily mitigated with some careful planning and a bit of Montana charm.

Unfortunately, Jeffs was caught yesterday during a routine traffic stop, officially putting an end to our chances at throwing a $100,000 barbecue. But let me assure you, the wheels are still turning in Slurry Beta’s head. Oh yes.

Friday, August 11, 2006

People in the News

I think it's time for some smarmy comments about the news. Now, I realize this may alienate some folks in my fan base who have an aversion to people like me who are highly skilled at passing judgment on strangers. I think it’s safe to say that those people are not Slurry B and do not have their own blog. I do what I want. Let’s move on.

Deusches, you have found your leader.
Not too much to explain here, I guess, other than this is an actual person and that is an actual tattoo.
Honestly, though, we all know someone who would join his gang if he started one.

    Conrad Burns (R-MT), US Senator.
    (This is kind of old news but since I only update this blog every two or three weeks, it’s breaking news as far as I’m concerned. Again, I do what I want.)The great state of Montana starts on fire every summer so it has to employ a large number of firefighters, often flying them in from other states. It’s an incredibly dangerous and noble job (my brother, Slurry G, does it and he only does dangerous, noble things) and nobody appreciates it more than the residents of the state-except for one of our Senators. At the end of July, a team of firefighters was waiting in the Billings, MT airport to head back home to Virginia when Conrad Burns showed up in the terminal and verbally berated them, saying they did a “piss-poor job” and weren’t doing a “GD thing”, etc. He may as well have burned an American flag on national TV. Montanans are pissed and the media has jumped all over it. He’s currently neck deep in a controversy worse than the time he called Arabs “rag heads” in public; worse than the time he used the “N-word” to tell a joke about African Americans-in public; worse than the time he took more money from convicted felon Jack Abramoff than any other person; worse than the time he told a flight attendant who was about to lose her job to “go home and have babies”; worse than the time Time magazine named him one of the five worst senators; and worse than the time he called one of my friends a “little bastard” during a group picture session on a high school trip to Washington, DC.
    The good thing is that he’s up for re-election this year and is almost certainly going to lose, even though he has 5 times the amount of campaign money as his opponent, John Tester. Tester is an organic farmer with a flat top. Just like me. Awesome.

    The creepy dude who says he killed JonBenet Ramsey (not pictured. Too creepy).
    I want to go on the record to say that I have a hunch that this guy didn’t do it, which is a shame because everything seems to fit. He looks psychotic (check), is probably psychotic (check), has a southern accent (check), looks as though anyone over 10 years old could waste him (check), inexplicably disappeared to Thailand to work at a school (check) and he admitted to it (check). However, he seems to be getting a few key facts wrong and is a little too comfortable with all the media attention.
    You’re probably saying to yourself, “Why does Slurry B even care about this? He’s not interested in justice.” Well, you’re right, I don’t really care but I grew up watching local Denver TV stations and, honestly, this case was all they ever reported on. Day and night. For years. It would be great if they could finally solve this but I think all they’ve done by arresting this guy is make the situation even weirder.