A Missed Opportunity

Okay, I admit it. I’m a bit of a Renaissance Man. Not in the Danny DeVito sense but more in the Leonardo Da Vinci sense. Like most Renaissance Men, I have many seemingly unrelated interests that, taken together, make me a bit of an enigma. Need someone to operate your pontoon whilst drinking a cool beverage? Done. Have a question about the correlation between raising cattle and Bob Seger’s “Night Moves”? Ask me. Need a great idea for an invention that will revolutionize the world of commuter biking? I’ve got one. Having an air drumming contest? I’ll win it.

I know, it just doesn’t seem like one person could possibly have that many skillz and interests. Well, what if I told you that I recently found a way to combine my entrepreneurial prowess with my knowledge of Polygamy? The answer is that it would blow your mind. So if yours is a bit fragile, I would suggest that you stop reading immediately if you haven’t already.

First of all, I realize Polygamy has been a hot topic recently with Mindy writing a great entry last week. I assure you that I’m not trying to use her ideas nor is it my intent to steal her thunder, which is very loud. This actually all started last may when Warren Steed Jeffs, the self-proclaimed prophet, most likely self-middle name giver and leader of a fundamentalist Mormon sect that practices polygamy, was placed on the FBI’s most wanted list with a $100,000 reward for his capture. He was (surprise, surprise) wanted on several accounts related to, um, illegal stuff with minors and was on the run from the law, probably hopping from one crazy polygamist compound to another performing illegitimate marriages with reckless abandon. The real kicker here is that the guy looks like a scrawnier, less intimidating version of Bill Nye the Science Guy, a man I have thought I could physically overpower since I was 12. (See above) So naturally I was thinking to myself, “This could be the easiest $100,000 I’ll ever make.” I proposed the idea of hunting Jeffs down to my associates and they were on board, although some were reticent of the fact that Jeffs supposedly had a heavily armed entourage protecting him. Such minor setbacks are easily mitigated with some careful planning and a bit of Montana charm.

Unfortunately, Jeffs was caught yesterday during a routine traffic stop, officially putting an end to our chances at throwing a $100,000 barbecue. But let me assure you, the wheels are still turning in Slurry Beta’s head. Oh yes.