Slurry Beta

Infrequent ruminations on nothing.

Friday, July 28, 2006

The Legend of the 2003 Dakota County, Minnesota Milk Drinking Champion

The title is a bit misleading because legends, by definition, are romanticized distortions of truth. The legend you are about to read, however, is 100% verifiable truth…so this is more of a “Recollection of Facts” than anything else.

A few summers ago, on a pleasant weekday afternoon, Erik, Sam, Bear and I hopped into Erik’s maroon LeBaron convertible and drove out to Farmington, Minnesota to soak in the sights (fat people) and sounds (fat people eating cheese curds) of the Dakota County Fair. Upon entry to the fair grounds, we stopped by a tent offering free milk to enjoy some fresh milk and receive the essential vitamins and minerals we would need to make it through an evening of fried goods, talent shows, and demolition derbies. Plus, after the car ride over, we all had an undeniable urge to eat even though we weren’t that hungry. It was uncanny…almost chemically induced.

As we were drinking our cups of free milk, Erik spotted a small, handwritten sign in the back of the tent that read something to the effect of, “Jeff Hanson: 12 cups”. When he asked what the sign was all about, the tent worker told him that it was the current milk drinking record at the Dakota County Fair to which Erik immediately responded, “I could definitely beat that. I’m definitely going to beat that. What do you get if you set the record?”

“You get your name on a sheet of paper and we put it on the back of the tent,” the worker replied.

After some cost-reward analysis, we elected to head into the heart of the fair, ate a bunch of food, checked out an awkward talent show, had an awkward conversation with Erik’s teenage cousins who happened to be there, contemplated sneaking into the demolition derby, and decided to call it an evening. On our way out, we passed by the free milk stand again to find that the 12 cup record was still standing. Now, if you know Erik then you know he has the heart of a champion and true champions never pass up a chance to set records. As soon as Erik made eye contact with the milk tent worker, he knew it was on and started pouring the milk.

Erik impressively downed the first 6 cups in rapid succession. Pure confidence. He had a look of determination I hadn’t seen since we were pitted against each other in the Dupre 4 East, NBA2k Dreamcast challenge championship game. I mean, it was going to happen. Sam, Bear and I could feel the electricity in the air. We were going to witness one of the greatest achievements of the 2003 Dakota County Fair.

Cup seven, eight and nine went down a little slower, but Erik was still keeping a fantastic pace, taunting onlookers and letting out thunderous roars with each finished cup. Next to him, a 12 year old boy had begun making an impressive challenge. The pressure was on.

When Erik hit cups ten, eleven and twelve, he had slowed considerably and was starting to struggle a bit. He had tied the record but the taunting and intense hubris were gone. A slight look of self doubt crept onto Erik’s face as his complexion faded into a pale white. “Now I know why that kid only got to twelve,” Erik said, holding the record breaking cup. Slowly he began to drink one small sip at a time, stopping every once in awhile to gather himself. Eventually, Erik’s competitive spirit pulled through. He finished the cup, slammed it onto the ground and unleashed the most raucous celebration I have ever seen. “I AM THE DAKOTA COUNTY MILK DRINKING CHAMPION!” he screamed with his hands in the air. For the next five minutes or so, he pointed at and shouted into the faces of everyone who had gathered around to watch. Mothers and fathers ran to protect their children. Dogs were barking. Cars alarms started blaring. Policemen went for their guns. The rest of us nearly hyperventilated with laughter.

Then, all at once, the celebration stopped. Erik immediately turned around, walked five feet to the garbage can and puked….and puked….then puked some more. Honestly, it was horrific.

On our way out, Erik made sure to tell the milk tent worker to put his name up on the back of the tent. He had earned it after all. Unfortunately, the guy misspelled his name.

Some say that if you go to that very spot at the exact right time during the Dakota County Fair, you can still hear Erik violently hurling a record 13 cups of milk into a garbage can. That may just be a myth, though.

8 Comments:

At 7:56 PM, Anonymous John said...

Brilliant. I felt like I was there

 
At 10:58 PM, Anonymous Bear said...

He actually screamed "I am the king of Dakota County." As I recall, anyway.

 
At 4:50 PM, Blogger Angel Moroni said...

Wow, I just got in trouble at work for laughing out loud, well done Beta.

 
At 9:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would have mentioned that the 12 year ols was a bit on the heavy side. Fats kids are funny.

 
At 9:55 AM, Blogger Mindy said...

Anyone who gets in trouble for laughing at work should quit his job. Unless you work at a funeral home or something. Because then I could see you getting in trouble.

Anyway, great story!

 
At 2:31 PM, Blogger Kraemerica said...

Further proof, that Erik is a champion:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Zb3NatXiqg

 
At 11:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was a pretty sassy (read: LONG) comment you made on Mindy's post. Why don't you use a little of that sass and make another post on yours, eh? EH?

 
At 2:59 PM, Blogger Mindy said...

Now I want to know who Anonymous is too. S/he's right that it was a very sassy and funny comment. Really you should've written the commentary on that post. I did not do it justice. But, I did work in the word MAN-WHORE, which is a pretty big accomplishment.

Also, you ruined Christmas. Thanks.

 

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