Slurry Beta

Infrequent ruminations on nothing.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Jared Fogel: An Underrated Genius of Our Time.

You know Jared Fogel. Everyone does. He’s the guy who lost 250 lbs. eating Subway sandwiches, scored a deal with the Subway Corporation to act as their spokesperson and now, several years later, has etched his nerdy, annoying mug into our collective psyches. Now newborn babies recognize him faster than they do Mickey Mouse. He will soon be represented by a simple silhouette, much like Hitchcock or Jerry West or maybe even just a symbol--like a really cool shield with intertwined letters J and F behind 6-inch sweet onion terriyaki sandwich (with your choice of condiments), all with a background of flames and barbed wire. Awesome.

Let’s review the facts: he’s a terrible actor; the advertisements are criminally lame; he’s lazy (the Subway he frequented while on his infamous diet was in the basement of his apartment building); and he has the charisma of an inanimate object (insert your favorite). In fact, after watching any one of his commercials, I am 90% less likely to go to Subway and choke down a sub. And yet, as angry as his existence makes me, I must consider him one of the great geniuses of contemporary times.

Despite having no redeeming qualities, Jared Fogel has apparently convinced Subway to give him a contract that lasts for his entire lifetime. There can be only one explanation for this: he walked right into Subway headquarters, engaged in an intense battle of wits with the Board of Directors and by shear mental fortitude, convinced them to give him a lifetime spokesman contract and creative rights to all advertisements and promotions. So here’s to you, Jared. I detest everything you stand for, but in the immortal words of Vince Vaughn, “Goddamn, I respect you.”


At 11:34 AM, Blogger Angel Moroni said...

His contract with Subway will soon end. Notice Jared is seated in most of the commercials these days. Why? Because he's putting the lbs back on. Looks like his fame and fortune have made steak the choice for dinner instead of the lean sub that secured his job. Maybe Subway can run a new series of ads: Look what happens when you stop eating Subway. The last one can feature Jared, fat and dejected, sitting at a table where the CEO of subway says, "You're fired fatty."

At 11:35 AM, Blogger Angel Moroni said...

I think anonymous just called you fat.

At 11:46 AM, Blogger Slurry B said...

I think anonymous got his comment removed. Actually, I know he did because I just deleted it. Thanks for reading, fuckface!

At 7:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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