Slurry Beta

Infrequent ruminations on nothing.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Jack Van Impe Has No Testicles

As you all may or may not know, today is June 6, 2006 or 6-6-6 or "Sign of the Beast Day". That means, sometime around 11:30 PM Eastern time, the apocolypse will officially commence. It's about time, too, if you ask me. What with the state of the world and my rent being due and whatnot. I assume most of you have been left unaware that the Rapture is tonight and there's a reason for that: Jack Van Impe has no testicles. I don't mean JVI lacks testicles in the physiological sense. He clearly has a fine set as proven by his steamy on and off-screen love affair (i.e. fundamentalist marriage) with blonde bombshell and television ratings booster, Rexella (see right). I mean "testicles" more in the sense that he has no guts, backbone, or grit. Anyway, I'm sure you got my drift.

We rely on JVI to provide us with up-to-date prophecy on the end of the world as we know it. We buy his books, annotated electronic study bibles, memorization tapes and polka records because they inform us as to when the apocolypse will take place. A genius like Jack doesn't simply forget that today is 6-6-6, he purposely overlooks it because he doesn't have the balls to tell us. Shame on you, Jack. I most certainly will NOT be purchasing your latest DVD Animals in Heaven...actually I would like to know if my old Cocker Spaniel, Annie, is in heaven. But that's the last DVD I'm buying!


At 12:51 PM, Blogger Angel Moroni said...

"China, Russia, march on Jerusalem, 2002."
-JVI, 2000

At 1:05 PM, Blogger Slurry B said...

Very true, Moroni All Seeing All Knowing. I am beginning to question whether JVI is as truly knowledgable as he claims. Of course, the world didn't end yesterday so I could let him off the hook for that. However, the streets look awefully quiet today and I definitely haven't seen or heard from more than 144,000 people, which is the number of chosen ones who will be left behind after the Rapture.

At 9:24 AM, Blogger Kraemerica said...

Ever see the episode where he and rexella recall their first meeting on a sultry summer night in Michigan? I think Jesus looked the other way that night.

At 10:22 AM, Blogger Mindy said...

Does anyone else wonder who the hell names their daughter REXELLA? That is the worst name I've ever heard of. But it fits her. Truly.

Nick: "Jesus looked the other way that night"? Hahaha.


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