Steed Watch: The Trial Begins

The trial of noted ladies' man, Warren Steed Jeffs, has officially begun and I think I speak for all of us when I say, "We are all really excited about this and Slurry is attractive." If any of you are unfamiliar with the case, let me bring you up to speed.

The Steed holds a firm belief that, when a man and a woman have an exclusive attraction to each other...wait, no...when a man is attracted to a woman and that woman has attractive friends who like to share...no, that's not quite it...when a man, under the color of a fundamentalistic interpretation of questionable religious doctrine, wants to do the Horizontal Mormon with several women in an acceptable manner under the eyes of God, he ought to be able to marry all of those women, even if they're minors or first cousins. That's not totally correct, either. It's called polygamy, okay? Look it up. The Steed is the religious leader of a group of these fundamentalist nut bags.

There he was minding his own business forcing a 14 year-old to marry her 19 year old cousin when the American justice system stepped in with a child abuse charge (correction: accomplice to rape). Get off his back, justice! He'd already been on the run from the law for a few years for stealing a candy bar or something so the buzzkills at the FBI threw him on the ten most wanted list and he was eventually caught at a traffic stop in true cinematic fashion. The cop spotted a pulsing vein in his neck-a sure sign of polygamy.

The proceedings officially commenced today with both sides delivering their opening arguments and, by all indications, the trial fixes to be a doozy. Don't bother following the case because I'm going to do it for you. That's just the kind of person I am. A giver. Stay tuned for more Steed Watch.