Slurry Beta

Infrequent ruminations on nothing.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Oh, That O.J.

You could probably file this in the I Already Knew That Because I'm Exposed to At Least One Form of Media, Slurry Beta, You Idiot category but I still feel like this is worth soaking in. So we all knew that O.J. wrote a book with the amazingly absurd premise of contemplating in purely hypothetical terms exactly how he would've killed Nicole and Ron if he had, in fact, done so. We've all heard every O.J. joke under the sun so I'll spare you any from my end but I just want you all to take a look at the actual cover of the book entitled If I Did It: Confessions of the Killer. I'll give you a Slurry Beta 3rd anniversary commemorative haiku via email if you can spot the word "If" in the photo on your first try. It's there, shoved ever so inconspicuously into the letter "I". Perhaps even better is the "He Did It" commentary by the Goldman family. Purely hypothetical, of course. Does anyone else find this as awesome (in a bad way) as I do? Actually, don't answer that. I don't care.

And just to quash any fears from my readers that this post will usher in a slew of O.J. Watch posts, rest assured that it won't. I've got my hands full right now with the group I'm watching. Speaking of which, The Steed has been convicted of the accomplice to rape charges I broke down, in detail, for you all last whenever. There really isn't too much else to report on this other than I heard Lindsay Lohan was as at the court house, doing cocaine in the bathroom off of an iPod with Paris Hilton, Brad Pitt, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the new Halo 3 video game, Nicole Richie's baby and a Toyota Prius.

Okay, so I put a few hot search topics in there to generate more hits to my site. You got me. The rest is true.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Steed Watch: The Trial Begins

The trial of noted ladies' man, Warren Steed Jeffs, has officially begun and I think I speak for all of us when I say, "We are all really excited about this and Slurry is attractive." If any of you are unfamiliar with the case, let me bring you up to speed.

The Steed holds a firm belief that, when a man and a woman have an exclusive attraction to each other...wait, no...when a man is attracted to a woman and that woman has attractive friends who like to, that's not quite it...when a man, under the color of a fundamentalistic interpretation of questionable religious doctrine, wants to do the Horizontal Mormon with several women in an acceptable manner under the eyes of God, he ought to be able to marry all of those women, even if they're minors or first cousins. That's not totally correct, either. It's called polygamy, okay? Look it up. The Steed is the religious leader of a group of these fundamentalist nut bags.

There he was minding his own business forcing a 14 year-old to marry her 19 year old cousin when the American justice system stepped in with a child abuse charge (correction: accomplice to rape). Get off his back, justice! He'd already been on the run from the law for a few years for stealing a candy bar or something so the buzzkills at the FBI threw him on the ten most wanted list and he was eventually caught at a traffic stop in true cinematic fashion. The cop spotted a pulsing vein in his neck-a sure sign of polygamy.

The proceedings officially commenced today with both sides delivering their opening arguments and, by all indications, the trial fixes to be a doozy. Don't bother following the case because I'm going to do it for you. That's just the kind of person I am. A giver. Stay tuned for more Steed Watch.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Sadly, I'm Back

I know it's been awhile and I've probably lost most of my readership but my crew and I have suffered some nearly crippling setbacks lately in terms of blog development. Let me explain. It's pretty well established that I'm really into famous people or "celebs" as I like to call them. The exclusive content I post on Steven Seagal in the regular "Seagal Watch" segment has become so popular on the Interweb that if you type "Slurry+Beta+Steven+Seagal" into Google, it's the number one hit. Not one to argue with or understand statistics, I presented the data at the Slurry Beta Annual Creative Direction Symposium two weeks ago and everyone agreed that the "Celeb Watch" franchise should be aggressively expanded. For the next six days, we bickered over who should be that flagship celeb that would officially signal Slurry Beta's new direction. "Pavarotti Watch" was born. Coffee mugs were made, shirts were screen printed, and an entire series of postings were conceived. Unfortunately, Big Pavi kicked the bucket last week, taking with him his famous High C vocal range, six weeks to five years of exclusive Slurry Beta material and an almost inconceivable amount of ad revenue. And he looked so healthy!

So we had to move to plan B: "Van Impe Watch!". Now, if you know about a little thing called the Apocalypse, you most likely know Jack van Impe, an "award winning" Bible memorizer and polka enthusiast* who's been predicting the end of the world for 25 years next to his ravishing wife, Rexella (my God, she's attractive!). He's also one of my favorite celebrities . He doesn't do much outside of predicting Jesus' return every week, but we're going to watch him anyway. Just in case.

*This album is real. I'm not good enough at photoshop to make this shit up.