Slurry Beta

Infrequent ruminations on nothing.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Sporty Beta

Watching the NFL on TV is stupid. That’s right, I said it, America. Every Sunday, I think to myself, “Hey, this might be a good day to lie around and watch a little of the ol' Pigskin Challenge. A battle on the gridiron. God’s game. Canadian football’s abusive step-father.” Then I click on the TV and all disappointing hell breaks loose. If you watch any NFL coverage at all, you cannot avoid the Fox network, which has the most annoying and inexplicable robot fetish. Robots warming up. Robots playing catch. Robots in the shower. Throw in seven hundred truck commercials, one of which features John not-Couger Mellencamp singing (surprise, surprise) a song about America and uses imagery from the New Orleans and 9/11 tragedies to sell Chevrolets, and you’ve got a sufficiently agitated Slurry B. And as my fellow readers know, this is not fun for anybody.

Now, I would stay in this poor disposition until the Fourth of July if it weren’t for a little thing called the National Basketball Association. I love the NBA, but more importantly, I love the Minnesota Timberwolves. Sometimes I get so excited that I can’t sleep at night and I spend hours rifling through my Kevin Garnett trivia flash cards (homemade) and listening to my Troy Hudson mix tapes.

On the verge of the 2006-07 season, the Wolves are in a peculiar position: trying to win a title with (arguably) the best basketball player in the league while an incompetent GM tries to run the organization into the ground. Actually, they’ve been in that position since Kevin McFail drafted Kevin Garnett in 1995. Only this year is different because if the Wolves fail to make the playoffs for the third season in a row, KG will be gone and so will his all his fantastic sound bites. Since McFail’s biggest off season acquisition was a 31 year old CBA veteran who had one good year in the NBA, the future looks a little bleak, to be honest.

Several things need to happen this season if the Wolves are going to even think about contending for a title:

The backcourt needs to grow testicles. So far Marko Jaric has been a huge disappointment and has the most fragile psyche in the NBA. Luckily, if he ever improves we’ll get to witness his comeback because he’s been signed for the next 12 years. Troy Hudson will never play another full season again. That leaves 31 year old Mike James and the 2007 rookie of the year Randy Foye. James had one stellar year last year while on one of the worst teams in the league so, logically, McFail locked him up until he turns 40. Foye, on the other hand, is an orphan and you can always bet on an orphan. (See Annie, Oliver Twist , Luke Skywalker, Anne of Green Gables)

Eddie Griffin needs to step up. We don’t have a legitimate center to take the pressure off KG so really the only solution is the incredibly athletic EG. The only problem is that he never listened to his mother’s advice as a child and has, in fact, gone blind from touching his no-no place too much. While driving. Drunk.

Dwayne Casey needs to become a better coach. In the words of the guy who knows Angel Moroni better than he knows himself, “I’m not impressed with what Casey did last year.” I'll cut him some slack, given that last year was only his first as a head coach but I heard more excuses out of him than a eunuch at an orgy. Get better Dwayney, or I’m coming for you.

Rashad McCants needs to heal quickly. Despite a fairly slow start last year, McCants really turned it on towards the end of the season. There are actual statistics somewhere but I don’t have time to round them up. The bottom line is that he is a phenomenal offensive player who could make huge contributions to the team. Or his knee injury could end his career. Either way, McHale is going to give him a long term contract whether he deserves it or not because that’s what he does, if you haven’t already gathered.

NBA League Pass needs to be free. To be clear, Comcast, this is not a request. I don’t know if you know me, but I have a rapidly expanding media conglomerate consisting of Slurry Beta blog articles, text messages, and drunk dials that reach a large swath of the population. I think it would be in your best interests to hook it up or I will single handedly bring you down.

That’s pretty much all I’ve got for a "preview". I’ll have more to say as the season drags on but if I write anymore now, I’ll probably get fired.


At 4:32 PM, Blogger Angel Moroni said...

This is the year of Eddie Griffin. Write it down, take a picture.

At 10:45 AM, Anonymous mindy said...

Slurry, I think you need to re-examine your priorities: blogging or keeping your job. It seems simple to me.

At 3:00 PM, Anonymous e-Doosh said...

Let's examine some of SB's claims:

1) "NFL is irrelevant and boring."
e-Doosh response: HERE HERE!!

1b) "FOX sucks."
e-Doosh digs: "Especially Joe Buck."

2) KG is "arguably the best player in the NBA.
e-Doosh amends: "... four years ago."
e-Doosh appends: "NBA five best players 06-07 in no order: LBJ, D-Wade, Kobe, Gil, Melo. write it down, take a picture.

3) "Casey neds to be a better coach"
e-Doosh responds: "No shit, Sherlock. Sorry, but this highly correlates with your mcCants bit... as his minutes grew, his numbers grew. Why it took Casey so many practices and games to figure out KG needs a dynamic selfish scorer on the floor with him, I have no idea ("but Ricky Davis..." you say, to which I quickly interrupt with "...SUCKS.")

4) "You can always bet on an orphan."
e-Doosh lauds: "Now THAT is some f*cking analysis. THAT is some quality insight. That is exactly what this world needs more of. Brilliant." (seriously, good observation)

5) "EG needs to step up"
e-Doosh cynically chides: "EG needs to stay sober. One step at a time my friend. All the best abusers will tell you that every time.

6) "Comcast sucks big hairy Moroni balls."
e-Doosh, reiterrating his response to point 1: HERE HERE!!

In conclusion, "NBA, I love this game."

At 3:45 PM, Blogger Slurry B said...

Good comments, e-Doosh. I disagree with your top five a little bit as I think KG is definitely top five. I would even say top three.

Also, I just want to say that I may initiate a law suit against the Sports Guy for addressing the Mellencamp commercial, suspiciously, only a few days after I did. Obviously, he wrote about it slightly (and only slightly) better than I did but what does he have to gain from ripping me off? If he starts writing about the Dakota County Milk Drinking Championship, I will be seriously pissed.

I guess when you become famous, the vultures always come out.


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