Slurry Beta

Infrequent ruminations on nothing.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Important: A Life Lesson

Like millions of Americans, I am addicted to coffee. I need it every morning, plain and simple. Until I drink a cup in the morning, I feel like I’m a carbon atom that picked up an extra neutron over night (re: unstable…that’s for you Johnny Chemistry). I can’t brew my own coffee in the office kitchen because certain people think brewed coffee “stinks” and wonder “why I can’t just brew one cup at a time instead of leaving the machine on all morning.” Instead of giving into such suffocating oppression and brewing a single cup of coffee every time I need a fix, I walk to Starbucks every morning and pick up a medium coffee or “grande” if you want to basically give everyone in Mr. Starbuck’s marketing department a baby oil HJ (that’s for you Moroni and Pleisure). Over the years, I’ve had various stints in the service industry so I know how much people appreciate it when you make their lives easier. So that’s what I get, one black coffee. $1.89. I’m in, I’m out. I’m happy, they’re happy. Sometimes, if she’s not too busy, the latte lady will come over and give my butt a little thank you pinch.

Once in awhile, a certain person will intercept me on my way out of the office and, without fail, the conversation always goes a little something like this:

Certain Person (knowing I go to Sucks to get a cup of coffee every morning): Are you going to Starbucks?
Me: Yes.
CP: Can I give you money to pick something up for me?
Me (reluctantly): Yes.
CP: Okay, I want a grande light, no whip, chocolate frappuccino…no, I want a vanilla bean, no whip, light frappuccino. And can you have them put a little less ice in the mixer and a little more milk? Great. Oh, and I actually do want whip cream on it, but could you ask them to blend half of it into the frapuccino? (Hands me a twenty dollar bill…as if I carry around change for a 20 all the time) Thanks.
Me (annoyed at the ridiculous coffee request that she could have gotten herself on her way to work 5 minutes ago): Alright. I’ll be right back.


Worker: Hey, grande coffee for you today? God, I love you.
Me: Yes, thanks, you’re pretty cool too. But I also need a vanilla bean, no whip, light frappuccino.
Worker: We don’t have that. We’ve got the cream based but that doesn’t come in a frappuccino.
Me: I really don’t know; that’s what she told me. Is that light?
Worker: No, I don’t really know what you mean.
Me: Neither do I. It’s not for me.
Barista (chiming in from her station): I think I know what you want.
Me: Great. Um, also, can I pay for each drink separately?
Worker (looking at the long line behind me with fiery eyes): Uh, yeah.
Me (to the barista): Can you please add more milk and a little less ice to that frappuccino? I’m sorry this isn’t for me. And could you blend in some whip cream into that? I’m really sorry for being difficult but I’m getting this for someone else. Please don’t spit in that.


Me (handing the drink to Certain Person, along with exact change): Here you go.
CP (letting out a big sigh): This isn’t what I wanted. That’s okay, though...I’ll still drink it.

The moral of this story, my dear readers, is that you should never do anything nice for anyone.


At 2:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Today I put my boxers on backwards. I didn't notice until I went to take a whiz, then I fumbled around for about 30 seconds looking for the slit in front (best part about boxers: easy for lazy guys to take leaks).

Then I had a dillema... was I to turn around my shorts after I had been wearing them backwards for the past hour and a half? Or just go with the flow, maybe even try to take a deuce without dropping my drawers?

My choice should be obvious.

I'll let you all know how that little experiment plays out.

At 2:56 PM, Blogger Slurry B said...

Sir, this is not an advice column and I'm trying to stay away from such questionable content. But if I had to make a comment on your situation, I would say "turn 'em around." Also, there is probably a reason no underwear company has gone with the backside opening innovation. On a basic level, it just doesn't correspond to the degree of laziness the front openning demonstrates (extremely high). Now, if there was some type of invention that allowed men to remain standing AND fully clothed at all times, that would be something.

At 3:42 PM, Blogger Angel Moroni said...

Well, we can be sure anonymous isn't Sean.

Suggestion for Slurry B: Assuming this cup of coffee is for your receptionist and not for Sid, (because I doubt Sid would be such a pussy about his coffee) I suggest next time she tells you it's wrong you take the lid off and dump the coffee on her. Your message will be clear and you work for a lawfirm so you're covered there.

At 8:05 PM, Anonymous Johnny Chemistry said...

I know that you said "don't try to do anything nice for anybody" and all, but despite that, I think I should tell you that Carbon -13 (or in your parlance "a carbon atom that 'picked up' an extra neutron overnight"- how quaint) is a stable element. Perhaps you meant to say Nitrogen-17, which has a half-life on only 4.173 seconds.


At 10:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you tell the barista not to spit in it because you wanted to be the one to do that? That's what I would've done.

Anonymous: gross.

At 10:51 AM, Blogger Slurry B said...

Yeah, I meant to say nitrogen. What was I thinking? I could've gone without all the condescension, though, Mr. Chemistry. You might want to take stock of the neutrons in YOUR nitrogen nuclei, bitch.

At 2:59 PM, Blogger Angel Moroni said...

On second thought, I would think Slurry Beta would be comfortable peeing in coffee as he has so often stated his intention to pee in soup and stew.

At 6:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You take your coffee like you take your women, huh?


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