Slurry Beta

Infrequent ruminations on nothing.

Monday, April 09, 2007

The new me

I have a weird obsession with nature documentaries. Last night, per weekly ritual, I was watching a PBS Nature episode on cephalopods and just as they were about to do a segment on cuttlefish, the channel glitched and the screen froze. I sat there staring at the tube for a good 3-5 minutes. Nothing. I came back to the channel several minutes later. No sound. Unable to watch the program, I went absolutely berserk. It’s a bit of a blur but I’m pretty sure I tossed my television through the window, lit my mattress on fire in the alley, yelled obscenities at Stewart, and placed dozens of calls to the PBS complaint line.

Alright, I’m slightly exaggerating, but I do like me some cephalopods; in particular, cuttlefish. They have an incredible ability to rapidly change their skin color to any combination of yellow, red, orange, brown and black hues. They use the ability to trick their prey and, perhaps more importantly, as protective camouflage. I would imagine it gives them invaluable piece of mind.

I’m in a bit of a transitional phase and dealing with a few significant changes: trying to get into law school, newly single, moved to a new location with different arrangements, etc. It’s like the murky, treacherous ocean floor for me right now and I need some type of adaptive mechanism to help move the transition along. I need something that will throw others of their game, confuse and mislead them while giving me the psychological upper hand. Something that says, “Hey, this guy’s dangerous. But maybe he isn’t. I don’t know whether to flee or embrace him.” So I’m going to try to accomplish this the best way I know how: I’m growing a mustache.

Last night I was shaving off my Beard of Disillusionment and decided to leave the ‘stache and give it a go. Day one hasn’t been easy. I’ve looked in the mirror a few times and I think I look slightly ridiculous. But for the sake of social experimentation, I’m going to leave it on as long as possible, which may only be until tomorrow, I don’t know. Maybe the rampant mustachism out there will be too much for me to handle. Perhaps I’ll get fired or start losing friends. Maybe it will open up new business opportunities. I’ll let you know if I find the answers to these pressing questions.


At 10:29 AM, Blogger mindy said...

It could open up new business opportunities in law enforcement. Now you just need some coffee and donuts. And maybe one of those baton thingies. Then you could beat down anyone who comments negatively on the new mustache. I think I see good things in your future, SlurryB.

At 12:18 PM, Blogger Andrew B. said...

Soldier on Beta. It makes me very happy to know that you like cuttlefish, as I am also a great cuttlefish enthusiast. I watched an excellent PBS program about them last week and learned many things. In addition to your camouflaging mustache, you might consider one other little trick used by the tiny Flamboyant Cuttlefish--toxic flesh.

At 5:51 PM, Blogger Kraemerica said...

The Discovery Channel has a new series called Planet Earth. It is some seriously good stuff. Good work on the mustache. I hope you aren't going to start wearing skinny jeans.

At 8:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Go handlebar- seriously.

At 2:06 PM, Blogger John said...


Awesome man!

Maybe erik will grow a neck beard as a show of solidarity?

good luck on the law school apps.

In California, we have several adaptave species. Rays that filter pollutants from the ocean, sharks that change their diets, Chuck Norris, etc.

At 4:57 PM, Blogger Angel Moroni said...

I'm going to ask that you keep the mustache until we go to Milwaukee. Are yo auditioning for Reno 911-Cast 2?

At 5:44 PM, Blogger Slurry B said...

Mindy: I am already an honorary deputy in my hometown. It's a birthright.

Andrew: Good idea on the toxic flesh. That would definitely make my mustache a little more potent but I'm not sure can consistently pull that off. I guess I could start wearing a shit ton of cologne.

Kraemerica: Planet earth is sweet. I watched part of one the other day about Great Whites eating seals that feed on penguins. Pretty intense. Also, I won't be wearing skinny jeans any time soon. Got me a husky mountain body.

Johnny Vegas: good to hear from you.

Moroni: You got it. There until Milwaukee. I'm not auditioning for Reno but I am doing a bit of character research for the screenplay. The protagonist obviously needs a mustache.

At 3:06 PM, Blogger DC Josh said...

I had the distinct pleasure of witnessing this lovely lil 'stache frist hand on Tuesday, and I get to check back in on its progress tonight. I'll let you all know how it looks on Day 5, but let me just say Dy 2 was not a pretty sight. Not that Beta should ditch it, heavens no. But we all need to be here and be supportive for him as he fills it out. Many will want to make fun of him, call him dirty-lip-boy or pre-pubescent-teen-face, but as his pals, we need to really stick up for his faint and sparse facial hair, and really stand by him as he develops enough testosterone to build his 'stache up to porn star quality.

Godspeed, Slurry, we're here for ya.

At 7:50 AM, Blogger DC Josh said...

Oh, its good. Its lookin REAL good. For instance, we [Max, Beta, me] arrive at the bar at approximiately 10:42. By 10:48 we have drinks in hand. (It's crowded.) But 10:50 a brave young lady has approached our little group, and the young lass already has zeroed in on our hero, Beta. Whether or not she could see the 'stache in that dimly lit bar doesn't matter. Her Id knew it was there, and was compelling her to come talk to us and try the ole "what's the most embarassing song on your iPod" icebreaker (BTW, there should be a new rule, speed-daters are not allowed to go back into the wild). Beta's response? Priceless: "iPod? Do I look like a guy who owns an iPod? Listen baby, why don't you come back to my place and let this 'stache sing to you all night long."

As for the 'stache itself, let's just say that by the second weekend in May, he'll fit right in there in Milwaukee.

At 2:51 PM, Blogger mindy said...

Josh, how much of that story is true? I may use that line in the future if it gets me invited back to a guy's place...


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